Working Moms, can we really have it all?
Can we really have the life of our dreams? Loving husband, well behaved kids, thriving business? As women, we often struggle with feeling bad for not putting enough time into our business, or to the kids, or partner—or just as importantly, ourselves.
If you relate to this, you are in good company. Even our First Lady, Michelle Obama struggles with work/family balance and while campaigning for our president, was quoted by NPR as telling a mainly female audience: “I’m always living with the guilt that if I’m spending too much time at work, then I’m not giving enough time to my girls. And if I’m with my girls, then I’m not doing enough for work — or you name it. It’s a guilt that we all live with in this room. Can I hear an amen?”
Like many of my women friends and colleagues, I’ve tried on varying sizes of career and motherhood at different times. I have a husband who is a wonderful father and a true parenting partner. I love my kids and I don’t regret one moment I spent with them instead of chasing career goals. I love my job and owning a business and feel as if I am walking in my purpose. I am very much grateful for all of these blessings and don’t want to come off as a complainer. BUT!! I am so tired of trying to do it all.
It’s very much like riding a playground seesaw. Sitting in midair with feet dangling, knowing how careful you need to be to maintain that all important teetering balance. The slightest move could send you catapulting skyward or crashing down. The only difference is our attempts at achieving balance centers around the workplace instead of the playground. Balance is not a steady state of being. It's a position one can maintain only through constant vigilance.
So back to the initial question, “Working Moms, can we really have it all?” Of course you can! The question is, “Can you really have all it all at the same time?”
I didn’t know how to verbalize my philosophy until I had a moment of epiphany. Oprah calls it an “Aha! Moment”. While reading a book about a woman struggling and failing to juggle family and work it occurred to me, the secret is not more hours in the day, or cloning (wouldn’t that be wonderful?) but, to just be the best you can be each day and to say, “NO!” We can’t do everything or be everything to everyone.
For most of us, it is the hardest thing in the world is to say: “I’m going to do my best and I’m going to keep the long term in mind and know that it’s not always going to be this hard to balance. I just have to get through it, and know it does get easier as the kids get older.”
Focus on what you want and figure out how you want your life to be. Then choose the action or actions that lead to your goal. One of my goals is to have a daughter who feels good about herself. Her grades are tied very closely to her confidence. Thus, no matter what WE study together and Thursday nights are spent drilling spelling words.
No matter what all important mixer is scheduled for Thursday, if on Wednesday at bed time she has not mastered each word, then alternative plans have to be made for the mixer. Maybe I spend only an hour at the mixer or instead of personally attending I send a member of my staff. But we will know each word by bed time on Thursday. It’s important to her, so it’s important to me.
At the heart of the work/family balance challenge is regret. Every choice leads to action and inaction. Sometimes those actions benefit our families more than our careers. Other times we put our lives and families on hold and focus on work. But instead of focusing on balance, perhaps we should consider regret and making decisions that we don’t regret.
Maybe the more relevant questions are these:
• In the long run, what decisions will lead to greater regret?
• Will there ever come a time in my life when I look back on a given decision and wish I had a do-over?
• What can I do now to minimize regret down the road?
My best advice is to keep your eye on the long run and know that if you have to say no to something, you have to say no. I have to remind myself of this often, when I’m feeling guilty about some phone call I didn’t return or email I failed to read. We have to let go of the guilt! And I am first to admit letting go can be tough, due to unrealistic societal expectations and unrealistic expectations we have of being “Super Woman”. Letting go means that we acknowledge what we accomplished at the end of the day and let go of the rest.
For me, sometimes closing the deal takes precedence over a homemade dinner. Always, my daughter’s volleyball games, my son’s soccer games and listening to my husband’s long stories over margaritas at Pappasitos usurp the networking mixer. I don’t have it all, all of the time. But the parts I do have ... mean everything!
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